My Dark Day
I never considered myself as a typical “soccer mom.” You know the ones I’m talking about, the ones who seem like they have it all together, their kids are perfect, they do daily crafts, and they are never tired. Even though I’m not quite 30 and proudly drive a mini-van I never felt like a mom who was good at everything. As we near the end of this year, I can’t help but reflect like many of us do. This was by far the hardest, BEST year of my life. I was stretched in ways I never thought possible and experienced a new kind of joy as we settled into becoming a family of 5. 2014 was a year of very high highs and very low lows. There were some moments in the year where I wasn’t sure if things could get much worse. One of those moments happened about 6 months ago. It was definitely one of the worst of my life, and the truth is, I decided to write about it because I haven’t completely dealt with it yet. I haven’t had time to deal with it. But now, as everyone else sleeps, I’m awake, thinking about it and dealing with it.
It was 1 year ago that Jonathan and I were thinking about what we wanted to get Ellah, our daughter for Christmas. We wanted to give her a special Christmas because we had so much change in our family at that point. 2 brand new babies in the family was not the easiest adjustment for her. We knew she loved to dance and tried to figure out if it was possible to get her dance classes. The thought of dance classes for me was something that always seemed unreachable. As silly as it sounds, it seemed like it was only something that “soccer moms” signed their kids up for. Well, we figured it out and prayed about it and decided to do it. To be honest, I feel like God used having Ellah in dance class to show me that He approves, He trusts me as a mom and as much as He wanted to bless her in the process and He wanted to do it for me too. It was the validation I needed at that point in life. I was so proud and excited that I could experience this process with her. Taking her to dance weekly was fun. It was a set apart time that usually was just me and her. We both needed it and enjoyed it.
Before we knew it the dance semester came to an end and it was recital. May 31, 2014, I remember it like it was yesterday. We had the whole day planned out. It was a big day, a symbolic day, and we were ready. Our San Antonio family was on the way, at home all hands were on deck. Jonathan was on daddy duty with the boys and I was getting Ellah ready. I was preparing to do Ellah’s hair and Jonathan was upstairs with Malachi. Nap time was approaching. It began… He took Malachi into his bedroom and began to rock my almost 6 month old baby to sleep. About 2 minutes after Jon began to try to put him to sleep, Malachi cried a cry I had never heard before. It was a cry of deep pain. Within a matter of seconds he was screaming and his whole body began to tighten up, then he would go into this drowsy like state, then he would scream and cry, then drowsy. To say it was horrible is a massive understatement. I called a nurse and we were advised to take him to the nearest ER. Wait, what?!? Yes, within a matter of 10 minutes we went from preparing for my daughters special day to quickly planning a trip to rush my baby to the hospital. Ellah’s recital was scheduled to begin within a few hours. Her and Jonathan were going to do a special father/daughter dance along with her 2 dance numbers. Instead of having my daughter miss her important day, we thought it would be best if Jonathan took her to her recital with his family that drove in, and my mom and I could take the twins to the ER to see what was happening. We didn’t want Ellah to miss her recital only to sit in the waiting room of a hospital for hours on end.
The closest hospital to our house is less than 5 minutes away. Its a great thing being so close to a hospital, but it is also one of the hardest things. I drive by that hospital almost every day and without fail a flood of horrible memories come rushing back. I replay the details of that day every time I drive past the hospital. It is not a children’s hospital and I remember the faces of the hospital staff when they were taking us to our room in the ER. Their nerves were almost tangible. When a baby comes in to the emergency room of a hospital that doesn’t specialize in childrens healthcare I’d say they would have about the same feelings if an alien walked in. Anyway, the tests and the guessing began. At that point Malachi was still screaming in excruciating pain, then would go into a drowsy state. He was unresponsive in a way. It was as if his body was in some kind of emergency mode. When I think back of that moment it hurts because when the doctor could not find the problem he decided to write a prescription for an ear infection and send us on our way. I was extremely confused because he had no symptoms of an ear infection. As dumbfounded as I was I decided to breastfeed him before we were going to leave, he drank a little and as soon as I stood up with our discharge papers Malachi vomited. As weird as it sounds I knew it was a sign from God confirming that things were not ok and that we should not leave. We proceeded to call the doctor, explain the situation, and demand bloodwork. All I will say about trying to get bloodwork out of a 6 month old baby that does not specialize in childrens health is as close to hell as I ever want to be. The process of trying to get blood took hours. Seeing my son who was full of pain and his little body exhausted being poked for hours is an image I wish I could forget. After hours of tests, screaming pain and now frequent vominting it was clear that Malachi was getting worse. Once the staff at the hospital near my house decided they couldn’t help Malachi they called Cook Childrens Hospital. The ambulance was headed our way to pick us up. At this point Jonathan and Ellah finished the recital and Jon was on his way to take switch with my mom. Remember we also have Justice who was along for this horrible ride. I was a nursing mother with babies who refused to drink a bottle so Justice had to stay.
Seeing Malachi being strapped to the kid sized stretcher and throwing up green vile all over himself has left a deep wound. Being forced to ride in the front seat of the ambulance while my baby was in the back in pain is nothing short of a nightmare. It wasn’t long after we got to Cook’s that they were doing the same round of tests we just went through at the previous hospital. The good thing was that these tests were made for kids and it was somewhat easier to get what they needed to get. At that point in the night Malachi was in an unconscious state. Personally, I think it was from the pain, it was like his body shut off. It’s hard to write this, it’s hard to completely allow myself to remember that day. However, I know that healing comes when things are spoken (or written). The enemy wants to keep things in darkness, he wants things to be bound so tight that things are not dealt with. I am writing this to encourage anyone dealing with something that hurts so bad you can hardly stand it, but truth be told I’m writing this one for me too. I want to bring God’s perfect light on what was one of the darkest days of my life.
Well, shortly after they did the last test, a sonogram of Malachi’s intestines, they found the problem. Once the problem was located within minutes he was headed into a procedure similar to a colonoscopy. For those wondering what happened, something called intussusception had invaded Mali’s body. A part of his large intestine enveloped over itself. Essentially his intestines stopped working and his body began shutting down. It can happen within seconds, and there isn’t a real explanation for why it happens. We found out later that it is more painful than appendicitis. Thankfully, with this condition once they find the problem, a simple procedure fixes the problem and the pain stops. So at 11:45pm on Saturday, May 31, 2014 my husband was taking our sweet boy to get this horrible problem fixed. They informed us that the procedure takes on average about 20 minutes, they cannot be put to sleep and it can be rather painful. The good news is that for Malachi, the procedure took maybe 3 minutes and he didn’t cry once. The doctors and nurses were shocked. We were thankful. When my husband brought back our son to the room we were in he was a new boy. His eyes were open for the first time in hours and as soon as I grabbed him he leaned in and gave me a kiss. A moment I will never forget. It didn’t feel like just Malachi kissing me, it felt like a kiss from Jesus too. Malachi was FINALLY relieved of the pain he felt. We stayed the night at the hospital so they could do monitoring, and the next afternoon we were discharged with a healthy but exhausted boy. Thank God.
This experience was by far one of the hardest in my life. A few days later we went to see his pediatrician and his doctor told us yet another thing that I will never forget, “You all have a lot to be thankful for because if you weren’t near a hospital these could have been life changing circumstances.” My heart sank lower than it ever has…did he just say that my son could have died??!!? When I think about those words, I still don’t know what to do with them or how to process them other than any time I think about it I thank Jesus. I thank Jesus for His faithfulness. I thank Jesus for being with me in the hospital that day. When I look back and think about all of the trauma that went on there is no other way to explain the strength I had than divine and supernatural. Throughout the process of watching my baby boy in pain I should have been curled up in a ball crying in the corner. Instead I was strong, I think back to every moment and its as if I was a puppet, and the Lord was controlling every word and action out of me. Looking back I am confident in that truth. I wish I had a logical explanation for why this happened to my son, but the only explanation I have is found in the Bible.
“The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.” -John 10:10
There were in fact things stolen that day like being able to experience my daughter’s first recital, a day that was meant to be special for her and us. The enemy’s intention was to destroy and kill, but my God’s intention for Malachi is to give him a rich and satisfying life. The truth is, the victory was ours from the beginning and the lessons that I continue to learn from that day will be some that I carry for a life time. I understand that some people have stories that are even more tragic. The pain some go through is horrific and I want to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry to those of who lost loved ones, who have had broken hearts, who have seen their children in pain and who have experienced tragedy of any kind. My heart is broken for you today. If I can offer a word of encouragement, don’t give up and don’t give in to the pain that seems unbearable at times. Even if you can’t make sense of the why’s and what if’s, talk it through with Jesus. Fight this battle on His team. Don’t allow the pain to be so tightly hidden in the darkness that you will never experience the goodness of the light. Whatever the enemy has intended for evil for your life and your family, God can and will turn it around for GOOD!
I leave you with these words of life:
“Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my Savior and my God.” -Psalm 42:11
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” – John 1:5
“For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With His love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” Zephaniah 3:17
May you find rest in Jesus today.